Myself
by Broken Mirrors
Summary: [SanaYuki] It's first year in Senior High and Yukimura feels lost and helpless after his long stay at hospital. First chapter edited and the last added. Complited.
1. Breathless

Title: Myself  
Fandom: Prince of Tennis  
Rating: G  
Paring: Sanada x Yukimura  
Disclaimer: The boys are Konomi Takeshi's, not mine.

Notes: Yukimura's POV. The idea of this fic came to my mind when I was writing the second part of TTD's first chapter. This is how things could have been. So it's kind of AU to my own fic. Weird.

I did research in net about Yukimura's disease, but at some points the manga and reality weren't possible to unite, so I molded them both to better suit my purposes.

This is for Hagane-sama. Thank you for all you've done for me! Hope you enjoy it!

**Myself **

* * *

Still feels like the first time  
to stand here by your side  
together regardless  
we'll walk through the darkness  
Still feels like the first day of my life

First Day Of My Life – The Rasmus

* * *

**Chapter 1.**

Breathless.

_"Next is math and history, which one you want to do first?" _

"I'm tired Genichirou. Can we do this later?"

"Oh, of course. I'll do my homework now. You just rest for a while."

"Aa, I'll take a quick nap."

"I can leave. I think I can come back later."

"No, I don't want you to leave. Stay with me. I'll just take a little catnap. Then we can do the history. Ok?"

"All right."

* * *

His eyes were foggy and unfocused. His limbs felt heavy and awkward. The white cotton pajama he was wearing clinged to his back, damp from sweat and creased from all the rolling he had made in his bed before he got up, frustrated and disoriented.

It had been like this every time.

He hugged himself and slumped against the windowsill, feeling the slight chill of winter seeping trough the glass. He leaned his flushed cheek against the cool wood, rubbing his tangled hair of his face, just a little so he could gaze outside, smiling sadly to the little snowflakes floating in the dark scenery, painting the night with dreamlike softness.

He couldn't sleep.

Like so many night before the familiar fear crawled into him, clawing it's way, making him shiver. It was so hard to breath. The air wouldn't fill his lungs like it should have had, his body refusing to co-operate, deserting him. He knew this was just in his mind. He wasn't sick anymore, weak but not diseased. But still he couldn't breath.

He couldn't breath!

The panic was lurking just inside his mind. Maybe it was real this time. Maybe he wasn't cured after all. Maybe it had been just a sweet dream. He tried to find the call button but it wasn't where it should have been. Of course it wasn't, he was home. The dim light was dying away, darkness spreading. He couldn't see the snowflakes anymore.

* * *

_"You look tired Yukimura. Should we take a break?" _

"I'm all right, Genichirou. Please, continue."

"Are you sure? You look a little pale."

"I'm fine. Let's do this."

"You should take care of your body. If you'll exhaust yourself-"

"I said I'm fine, I should know, it's my body after all!"

"I'm just worried."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I understand."

"Maybe your right, I am a bit tired."

"You should sleep."

"But-"

"I'll be here when you wake up."

* * *

The lunchbox trembled a little in his hands. He clenched his teeth together stubbornly and let his weary gaze wander over the crowded cafeteria. Were it summer, he would have been eating outside, but as a cold day like this, and with his frail body, the thought of going out into the snow was disgusting. He took a deep breath, commanding his heavy feeds into moving and began to make his way through the mass of people towards Yanagi, whose serene expression was like a beacon in the faceless ocean that whirled around him.

He felt so weak, so useless. School had only started few weeks ago and he was already exhausted, stressed out from all the little challenges that were now part of his life, little everyday things that everybody else ignored as trivial. He wearied off from light exercises, he worried constantly about breathing and his pride wouldn't give away for him to show weakness or fear.

He knew he wasn't sick anymore and that the recovery would take time. But some tiny part of his mind wasn't ready to accept the fact yet. He felt sick and frustrated. Everything was so hard and he had to think all his actions twice before doing anything. He had to be careful but still push himself a little so progress would happen.

On top of everything, he felt like he had lost a year of his life, and in that year had happened so much. It was like his old friends were all strangers to him and everyday chores something completely odd and different. He felt like living the first day of his life all over again.

The strangers, that claimed to be his friends were all observing him, like some caged animal, waiting him to fall, to surrender to the weakness. He knew they were all worried about him but that didn't change the fact that they were watching. It was a relief that nobody else, save his family and friends, knew about his condition. And because of his family, he couldn't, in any situation, reveal his inner turmoil. They were already so happy that he felt strong enough to attend school. He just couldn't betray their trust in him.

But it was lonely to keep all the fears to himself, to fend of all helping hands in order to be strong. He wasn't weak! He couldn't always lean on others, and he wouldn't be a burden to his loved ones. He would survive this on his own or die trying.

Sitting in the table, across Yanagi, he tried to look casual and smiled sweetly, like he did always. He let his hands ease of from trembling, pretending to smooth his wavy hair, brushing it off from his face. Looking at Yanagi's peaceful expression made him feel a little less anxious and he began to open his lunchbox, genuine smile tucking the corners of his mouth.

"Wouldn't you rather eat in somewhere peaceful?" said a familiar voice behind him suddenly. Usually he would have noticed Genichirou right when he entered the same room but nowadays he was too concentrated in staying on top of his own emotions that the other had slipped under his radar.

"I'm fine in here." He could sense the irritation from the taller boy. It was a habit he had developed during his time in hospital. He had had time to learn every nuance of Genichirou's body language when the other had came to bring him his schoolwork so that he wouldn't have to do the final year at Junior High again. The stoic boy had stayed and helped him, talked with him and generally just kept him company. They had become even closer to each other than they had already been, and now he knew every meaning to every motion from Genichirou. He even prided himself to know things about the other, which he himself had not noticed.

"But you must be tired. You could rest at the same time." Of course, the rapport would extend the other way around too. If somebody could notice his exhaustion, it was Genichirou, who seemed to smell his weariness from other side of the school, no exceptions, and no questions asked, he just knew. But that wasn't a valid reason for him to show weakness in front of the other. He didn't want Genichirou to think of him as a weak!

Genichirou had been there for him when he was in hospital, almost every day, in every way. He had seen Yukimura in the worst times, hopeless, so tired and even crying. And he had been there, asking nothing in return, just being with him, talking to him when he knew the other wasn't comfortable with mindless chatting, holding his hand although he didn't like to be touched. Yukimura had relied so much of his confidence in Genichirou's presence that he didn't knew what would have happened if he hadn't been there.

He had felt like living through Genichirou when he himself was tied down in bed. The stoic boy had hesitatingly started to tell him, with little encouraging from Yukimura's part, about his days out of the hospital and it had become a habit of theirs. He had savored every little thing that had happened and felt like a part of Genichirou that only habited in another body. The feeling still stayed, although he had a life of his own, and his love for Genichirou had only grown since the day he had been released from hospital. The joy he felt when he was able to share the whole life with Genichirou in the moment and not in heard tales was overwhelming.

But he truly loved Genichirou and didn't want to cause him worries. He knew the other was proud of him and his strength. He wanted to be just that perfect for him. He wanted to be strong and healthy, the partner that was worthy of Genichirou.

That was the reason why he kept his distance with the taller boy and let his love show only in his eyes when he gazed the other boy, trying to hide only his tiredness. He longed with fever to feel Genichirou's hands around him, his mouth on his, his breath in him but he couldn't let the other be so near, to see his weakness. When he was stronger, Genichirou wouldn't have enough places to run from him, if he wanted to run, that is.

"I'm fine Genichirou. Let me be the judge of my tiredness, please." He knew his smile wasn't so sweet it should have been, and he knew Genichirou would hear the truth behind his words. So frustrating his life was. He was tired, it made him snappy and Genichirou would notice although his voice was as soft as it was always but there was a slight tension that he would have liked to hide.

"What ever you say." And just like that he was gone. Only cold space behind him remained. Had he hurt Genichirou? That had never been his plan. But what if the other had taken his coldness as an insult? He watched his lunchbox with growing anxiousness and closed it when it only made him feel ill.

"I'm not that hungry." He declared with slightly hesitant voice to Yanagi, who only nodded and continued eating his lunch.

"I thought you wouldn't be."


	2. Insight

Fandom: Tennis no Ohjisama

Pairing: Sanada x Yukimura

Rating: G

Disclaimer: The boys are Konomi Takeshi's, not mine.

Notes: This was a great pain in my ass, this fic, that is! Or this chapter. My Yukimura!muse deserted me in somewhere after the last part, which came first, and the beginning, which was relatively easy. Oh man I'm tired of this crap now! I won't write SanaYuki ever again! (Until the next time..)

It is incurable disease, Guillain-Barre Syndrome, that is. But here's something from Yukimura's fanlisting page: " Quoting from the manga, Genius 215, page 7. "It seems to be a disease of the immune system whose causes are unknown. It typically begins with weakness in the arms and legs, and eventually the body will lose its ability to move around freely. If the situation worses, the respiratory system can become paralyzed and the patient will have trouble breathing, talking or even eating. The disease reaches its peak 2 weeks after the initial outbreak." "Can it be cured.." "At the earliest, it will take at least one month. At the latest, it could take over a year..." " So, maybe in TeniPuri land it can be cured. )

Thank you for all the reviews and I appreciate greatly the corrections on my spelling! I edited the first chapter when uploaded this one.

English is not my native language, so there might be some errors in grammar and spelling. I'm sorry about that!

This is still for Hagane-sama. ) Thank you for all you've done for me! Hope you enjoy it!

**Myself **

* * *

Still feels like the first time  
to stand here by your side  
together regardless  
we'll walk through the darkness  
Still feels like the first day of my life

First Day Of My Life – The Rasmus

* * *

**Chapter 2.**

Insight.

"_I could be in a wheelchair next week. I could never play tennis again. Never do anything again."_

"_You will play tennis again." _

"_How do you know?"_

"_You said so yourself. I trust you."

* * *

_

Math was one of his favorite subjects in school. It was comfortingly logical, everything worked under the same laws, and numbers never lied. He could have used some steady things in his life. But today he just couldn't concentrate on anything, even if it seemed to be the only unchanging thing in his life at the moment.

His gaze wandered aimlessly in the classroom landing predictably on Genichirou's frigid neck just few rows ahead of him. He could saw the tension riding hard on Genichirou's shoulders and the way his chin was tilted up just a fraction told Yukimura how irritated the other boy was.

Had he really managed to hurt Genichirou? That had never been his plan. It was the last thing he wanted to do. But for some reason, Genichirou was always so protective, always there for him to lean on, like he was waiting for him to fall. Damn it! He wasn't that frail!

Why was this bothering him so much? Yukimura frowned darkly, narrowing his eyes dangerously, eyes locked on Genichirou's neck with heated glare. Do you think I'm so weak, Genichirou, that you have to watch my steps all the time? He was not a child anymore. He could take care of himself. And he would! Genichirou could just watch!

Sanada kept staring stubbornly at the notes before him, writing with swift, meager movements. Yukimura couldn't follow the teacher's instructions; he was too concentrated on glaring the nape of Genichirou's neck. Was that a hint of red on his vice-captains skin? What for?

Suddenly the bell rang, telling it was time to end the lesson, mercilessly snatching him out of his reverie His eyes snapped quickly to the clock. It had been just the beginning of the lesson when he last checked. What had happened? The time had escaped from him like an errant child, hiding behind his idle ponderings and surprising him when he least expected it. He didn't even know what they had for homework today.

Genichirou was among the first ones to left the classroom, efficient steps carrying him away from Yukimura. Startled and dazed he began to collect his books and pencils, packing his bag absentmindedly, and was again snatched out of his daydreaming when few notepad pages were dropped on top of his math book.

He took the neatly written notes in his hand and gazed at Renji with confusion coloring his violet eyes. "What's this?" He waved the pile of papers under the taller boys serene face.

"I noticed that you had something else in your mind during the lesson and made you notes." Renji slashed him a fast half-smile that disappeared before it could unravel into something more meaningful.

Yukimura felt a heated blush creeping onto his cheeks and turned quickly to gaze at the neatly written notes, letting his long locks hide his face and the too-revealing pink tinted skin. From the corner of his eye he saw Renji looking at him with curiosity, concern furrowing his brows in deep frown. He didn't want to be weak! He didn't want Renji to feel pity for him.

When Renji opened his mouth to say something he instantly tensed, waiting for the wrong words to flow from the others lips, as for everything that Renji could have said, was wrong. He didn't want to hear any of it!

When he heard Renji turning to walk away he opened his eyes, which he had closed without realizing it. He gazed after the taller boy with confusion that was beginning to feel too much like an old friend. Right after the door closed behind Renji he remembered that he had not thanked the other boy for the notes he had written.

* * *

"_Sometimes at night, I wake up because I can't breath. Alone, in the dark, it's so peaceful. Some nights I'm so tired, all I can think of is that I should just stop struggling so that I could sleep." _

"_Yukimura."_

"_And some nights I'm so scared, afraid of dying alone, in the dark. Nobody there to share my last breath with." _

"_Yukimura!"_

"_Oh, I'm sorry Genichirou. It's nothing, just my mind wandering. Don't worry about it. So, where were we?"_

* * *

He leaned heavily on the broom and tried to hide how breathless he felt. He couldn't reveal his weariness to the other students, who were sweeping the long paths between the school buildings. The snow had fallen heavily today and most of the roads were covered with ankle high snowdrifts. 

He knew he was being stupid when he refused to skip the cleaning duty although his teacher had offered, but he had to keep things as normal as he could. Otherwise he would lose his calm and fall into a creaming fit over his own frustrating and pitiful condition. He had to push himself a little. There was no other way to be fully recovered.

Standing up he swayed gently, gazing up to the clear sky. The air was sweet and motionless, voices muffled to low murmurs by the snow. It was often like this after the snow had fallen. Silent moments pregnant with whispers of softness, not so cold that it was hard to breathe but not so warm that the snow would be heavy and wet. He swung his broom lazily beside him before concentrating again in the task at hand.

Just a little bit more, he thought with every swift sweep, holding the precious air inside him a little longer. Just a little bit more and it would be done and he could go rest in the next class. Just a little bit more and he wouldn't feel so useless and hopelessly incapable.

Breath hitching in his throat and cheeks flushed with exhausted tenderness he kept sweeping. Like his life was depending on it. The end of the alley, created by tall school buildings, was waiting for him, holding an unspoken promise that when he reached it, all would be fine and the task done. Just a little bit more.

Fortunately the snow was feather light. The air was growing colder by the moment and his fingers were starting to feel numb, hands heavy and legs unstable. He was so tired. But he would do his duty, what ever it takes. He would clear the pathways so that he could feel that he was still like everybody else despite his disease and weakness.

When the earth began to heave under his foots and the softly white scenery fill with black hollows, he kept sweeping, stubbornly refusing to give up on his task. He shook his head to break the falling but managed only to whirl the surrounding world into wild spinning. When his knees surrendered under his weight, dropping him unceremoniously to the ground, he swung his hand, helplessly reaching for something to stop his fall and managed to lean on the concrete wall, the rough surface giving him a thin feeling of reality.

The voices calling his name seemed to come from so far; the swallowing black and frail white snow battling over his vision. He began to rouse to his feet, shutting his eyes so he couldn't see which one would win; he called out for his classmates, reassuring them of his health. He was fine. Oh yes, just fine.

Leaning only slightly on the cold wall he began to sweep again. It was harder now. He didn't see the road ahead of him but just kept on cleaning the narrow pathway around himself. The others would take care of the rest.

"Yukimura," A low, familiar voice startled him out of his reverie the second time today and he opened his weary eyes to gaze tiredly at Genichirou. "You're exhausted. Go to rest." The taller boy regarded him with concerned eyes.

"No." He would finish his work. He pushed himself to stand up straight, leaving the support of the concrete wall, swaying a little. "I'm fine, Genichirou. I shouldn't stop now, when most of the work is already done." How had the stoic boy managed to get so close to him without him noticing? Was his breathing so loud that he hadn't heard Genichirou's steps approaching?

"You can barely stand."

"I said I'm fine Genichirou. Just leave me alone." He suddenly felt an unreasonable anger surge through him. He was perfectly capable of doing his own decisions. He didn't need Genichirou to feel pity for him. He picked up his broom and began to sweep again, meticulously swinging back and forth. He would not be ordered around by anyone!

"You're being stupid, Yukimura." Genichirou stared at him, obviously frustrated. He whished he could have smiled to the other boy, so that he would know everything was fine, and he could do this. But his lips refused to curl up, not even a smirk was he capable of producing.

"This is not helping, Genichirou. You're standing on my way." He took one hesitating step and his knees gave up under him again.

When strong arms interrupted his fall and supported him with steady grace, he felt like crying. He was such a useless fool. Genichirou's familiar smell surrounded him comfortingly but he wanted to struggle against the gentle hold.

"No!" He cried, his voice sounding more like sobbing.

"I'm taking you to the nurse." Genichirou's words were stiff and unrelenting. Yukimura was practically raised up from the ground and carried away. And he was so tired that he couldn't resist when strong arms were wrapped around his waist and started to lead him towards nurse's office.

* * *

"_I'm so thankful that you bother to come here to help me with school work. I'm sure I'd never keep up with the pace you're doing in school if you weren't here to push me." _

"_Of course you would."_

"_But you must have been straining yourself for me. I'm sure there are plenty of things beside this that you should be doing. You should be thinking of yourself too."_

"_But I am." _

* * *

The first thing greeting him, when he woke up, was immaculately white ceiling. He felt groggy and warm under a heavy blanket. Where was he? It wasn't his own bed where he laid and he was still in his school uniform. 

"Are you feeling better?"

Yukimura turned to look the source of the soft voice beside him. Renji was sitting peacefully on one of the chairs and had a book lying on his lap.

"Genichirou had to go to a class. I came to see you when I heard." Renji continued when he stayed silent and closed his book flashing once again one of his half-smiles to Yukimura.

"We have volleyball for next class. It would be best if you stayed here and rested." The slender, taller boy was tucking his book under his arm and stood up graciously. Yukimura wondered idly how long he had stayed beside Yukimura's bed while he was soundly sleeping. Somehow it was reassuring to know that it had been Renji and not somebody else, like the nurse or some other classmate. If everybody around him were now observing him, Renji had done that always. It was not a new thing. The other's serene eyes felt familiar on him. To know that he was not rated uninteresting in the other boy's eyes was comforting.

"Seiichi," Renji was standing at the door, one hand on the handle and gazing hesitantly down at his feet. Yukimura had never heard him using his first name before. "Sometimes the greatest strength is to allow yourself to be weak."

Then the slender boy stepped outside and closed the door voicelessly behind him, leaving Yukimura alone with his disoriented thoughts.

* * *

"_I'll be released to home tomorrow."_

"_That's great."_

"_Is it?" _

"_Of course."_

"_And why is that?"_

"_Because, then you can go on with your life and leave this year behind you."_

_But then I will not have you only to myself everyday and everything will be different between us. _

* * *

He had been thinking Renji's words while slipping out of nurse's office and seeking his classmates at the gym. The whole time changing he had been in his thoughts, and better half of the class too, sometimes stealing a glance at Renji to see if the other was looking at him, or just to study the slender boy's serene features. 

_Inner self. Perfect composure. Solitary strength. _

He had not been allowed to strain himself by playing but had been restricted to only do light exercises by himself. For once that had been alright with him, he was exhausted and he had a lot on his mind. The brief solitude was only a welcome change.

_Myself. Perfect entity, more than the sum of its parts. _

His mind was still stubbornly repeating Renji's words all over in his head when the class was over and he crawled behind the other students to the shower rooms. The tiredness had left him feeling numb and he waited his turn patiently, not recalling anything later from the light conversations whirling around him. His world was constructed from shallow intakes of breath, fleeting thoughts that touched only briefly his consciousness and from hastily wandering images of his surroundings.

_To find a strength from weakness to overcome fear. _

Under the warm spray of water droplets his helplessly disoriented mind held a desperate dialogue with itself, conquering many unknown territories, welcoming the fear for a brief moments, so that he could inspect it with cautious, to find what was hidden inside himself.

_To compose himself again, find the hollow parts to be filled. _

The crowd thinned out and finally left Yukimura alone, sitting under the water spray his face pressed against the bony knees and hands circled around himself, warding the surrounding world to stay away.

_To reveal himself to someone else, or to reveal himself to himself? _

When a strong hand landed on his shoulder he was not surprised. He lifted his gaze to meet warm brown eyes with his violet ones and found such a familiar gentleness and soft concern there that he felt like he could drown in them. And it wasn't frightening thought. He traveled into the depths that were revealed to him and finally found himself hidden under the surface of something solid and true, something that had been the foundation of his being for the last year.

_Myself. _

Genichirou gently wrapped Yukimura in a towel, which he had been carrying in his hands, drying him with comforting movements. Their eyes were locked on each other's and held a silent conversation, not needing any words.

_Surrender. _

When Genichirou leaned down to kiss him, he let it happen, smiling wearily, cold fingers smartly curling themselves into the softened cotton of the taller boy's shirt. Their lips touched with electricity and familiarity, heat surged through him along with comforting certainty of the rightness of his actions.

_Maybe it was alright to share his weakness with someone who was like a part of himself. _

* * *

**Epilogue**

* * *

"_So, Genichirou, Yukimura is released tomorrow, right?" _

"_You knew that already, Renji." _

"_Yes. I was just wondering, how he's going to cope." _

"_What do you mean? He'll be excited to lead a normal life again." _

"_I'm sure, Genichirou, but it's been a year after all, and many things are different now." _

"_Like what?" _

"_Like he's not a captain of the tennis team anymore. He's body will be betraying him at the beginning more regularly than not, and the fear is not erased that easily. I'm sure it'll be quite hard to reenter the normal life and rehabilitate at the same time." _

"_Yukimura is strong. He'll manage." _

"_Do you know that for sure, Genichirou?" _

* * *

Yanagi stood by the school gates, patiently waiting. He was a bit early but that didn't bother him. He liked the calmness of darkening winter days and breathing cold, fresh air. 

The school grounds were rabidly clearing for all the students wanted to get quickly enjoying the short vacation over the weekend. The last few latecomers run pass him, seeming relieved to be out of the school buildings' shadows. And finally his errant team members passed him without noticing him leaning on the wall, unnecessarily hiding from their gazes.

Sanada and Yukimura were oblivious to their surroundings. They walked close to each other and Sanada had Yukimura's bag draped over his shoulder beside his own school bag. Yukimura was looking at his feet while walking slowly towards his home, but a sweet, genuine smile graced his lips with soft happiness.

Yanagi let his lips curl into an enigmatic smile that nobody knew the meaning for and followed the two with only his thoughts.

Hearing silent footsteps behind him, he pushed himself to stand up but didn't bother to turn.

He knew already who it was.

"Did you see what you wanted, Renji?"

"Yes." He was rather pleased with how things obviously had proceeded.

But now he had his own things to pay attention to. "Are you ready for Scrabble rematch?"

"Of course, Renji, I think I've collected all the data I need since last weekend. I won't lose this time." Yanagi's smile widened just a fraction when he heard the amused tone in the others voice. "But are you sure, that your family won't mind me staying with you for another weekend?"

He turned then, only to reassure the other with warm full-blown smile. "Oh, I'm sure they love to have you around, Sadaharu."

FIN

* * *


End file.
